Monday 12 November 2012

The Day I Had Tea With President Jonathan–By Jude Egba

 


It had all happened in a blur.
Last week, in the good company of a Senator representing my Senatorial district, I had found myself at a Presidential Fund-raising initiative for Flood victims in Abuja. Shortly before tea-break however, I had asked the Senator if he could pull his weight around a wee bit and arrange a five minute session for me with President Goodluck Jonathan of Nigeria, who sat taking in the events of the day from a few tables away.
The rest of the story you are about to read is the stuff dreams are made of.
I had always wanted an interview session with President Jonathan. I could query his below par performance from the keypad of my laptop and from behind the anonymity of other gadgets, all day long. But as he sat across from me now in a well lit hallway over mugs of tea and coffee, my liver, kidney and brain cells appeared to freeze. A few contents from my mug spilled to the floor as I made to steady my nerves. I was disappointed in myself and I knew everyone who heard this story was going to be disappointed in me. This was a golden opportunity I couldn’t afford…..
“You have five minutes, Jude. I have another function to attend”, the President interrupted my bag of nerves. All I wanted to do was run out of the room and apologize to the Senator for letting him down.
“Yes…. Mr President…..five…. minutes …will… do”, I stuttered. I was getting very clueless now.
“Okay, you may shoot”, the President said, as he took off his bowler hat to reveal his graying hairline and furrowed brow, while taking a generous sip from his mug. Time stood still. And so did my wits, it appeared.
“Your Excellency, I have to commend your flood relief efforts. I will not take much of your time. Out there however, the impression we get is that your overall performance leaves very much to be desired. I mean, take the directive for instance, to the Ministry of works last week. You had ordered that all road infrastructure country-wide should be fixed before the yuletide. This looks to me like a knee-jerk reaction. In any case, how could you possibly fix all the roads in one month? How do you monitor progress? And since you knew all along that our roads were deathtraps, why wait for the Christmas season to effect repairs on them?” I was back…..Jude was back, warts and all.
“Listen, Jude. In line with the transformation agenda of this administration, my Team has set itself the task of swinging into action irrespective of extenuating circumstances. We will go about the Road repairs and stop wherever we can before Christmas. I think it is way better than doing nothing. I assumed office to meet these bad roads in the state they are in. I did not cause Nigeria’s problems, contrary to what your ilk in the social media will suggest. Next question, please.”
“Has the Ribadu Report become history?”
“Says you?” he thundered, revealing the other side of the President I hadn’t seen on the TV. Luckily, at this point, I had made up my mind to get the best out of this five minute interview session.
“Well, Mr President, the feelers we got from the Report Presentation…..”
“I don’t give a damn about your feelers! I don’t! Listen, if you have no further questions to ask, I will suggest you say so before I …..Which media house do you write for?”
“I blog, Sir. I keep a column with a blog and I am what you could call a freelance writer”, I said with a smile.
“ Blog…which blog is that?”
“EkekeeeDOTcom ”.
“Hmmmm, I see. Ekekeee…sounds like the sound a hungry bird makes. I read you guys, occasionally. However, my media aides have been paid to monitor blogs and all. You have one more question”, he announced. The bowler hat was back on and he was snapping his fingers.
“You haven’t answered the last question I asked, Sir”, I protested mildly while sipping my tea. I will refuse to be intimidated, I promised self. My receding hairline must be gleaming now from the reflection of the neon lights in this hallway of a room.
“Well, ask Mallam Ribadu who was obviously playing to the gallery with a job I hired him to do”, the President said, deadpanned.
“Playing to the gallery?”
“Yes, playing to the gallery, Jude. I hired a man to do a job, he insinuates that he had to deal with pressure from certain quarters; he leaks the Report before he presents it to me and puts up this show at the Villa on the day I asked for the Report. What do you call that?”
“In all fairness to Mallam, Sir, don’t you think the Report will have been doctored and watered down by your administration if it wasn’t first leaked? I mean, I am not even suggesting he leaked the Report, but….”
“Shut up, Jude….” the President hollered, sending his mug of coffee smashing to the pristine marbled floor. A few bouncers peeked into the room now as the President dismissed them with a wave of the hand while attempting to catch his breath. All aides had been told not to interrupt our session. It was just as well, I thought. I was having a ball. Getting the nation’s number one citizen flying off the handle was no mean feat if your name is Jude Egbas.
“I…..was only suggesting….”
“You can suggest all you want. But look here, Ribadu’s Report is not dead yet. It is lying in state. How could I have asked him to do a job, detailing out the Panel’s Terms of Reference and we now have this section in the Report which throws back the Job at the Presidency? You think if I didn’t want to clean up the down-stream and up-stream oil sectors, I will have put together a Task Force in the first instance? You have one more question, Mister! I cannot afford to keep the likes of Dangote and all the other dignitaries waiting on your account.”
“Thank you Sir. Will you contest the Presidency in 2015? I listened to Dr Okupe suggesting that Nigerians will beg you to contest in 2015. Considering the realities on the ground, I do not think Nigerians will. The perception people have of your Presidency out there and your overall job approval ratings; are quite abysmal. There seems to be an absence of a well laid out Road Map to implement the much touted ‘Transformation Agenda. You seem to have allowed corruption to fester under your watch and the likes of Okonjo Iweala and Diezani have not really done much good to improve your chances in…..”
I felt a tug on my shirt before I knew what hit me. Two of the President’s bouncers had me rolling on the floor in an instant. “Your time is up”, I heard one of them say, gruffly. The President was gone. Another bouncer lifted me from the floor and was sending a punch into my face…..
“Good morning, Uncle Jude”, Emem, my niece was staring down at me beside a bed of crumpled sheets. It is 7:30am. Aren’t you going to work today?”
This had all been a nightmare. But I really do look forward to having an interview session with the President someday soon. I hope it comes, because I promise to be on my best behavior at the second time of asking.
@egbas is on Twitter

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