Wednesday 28 November 2012

Thus Saith The Clueless King (VI)–By Segun Dada


Thus Saith The Clueless King (VI)–By Segun Dada



And it came to pass that in the 11th month of the second year of the jubilee, with some days between the 55th name-day of theclueless king, the clueless king summoned the representatives of the criers in the kingdom to the palace on the hill. His heart was heavy for he seemed to have fallen out of favour with the subjects of the kingdom of Naijaria.
After Rubenus the son of Abat had summoned the criers on behalf of the clueless king, he retired into his chamber with Doyinus to give Rhino the son of Omokiri directions regarding the next line of shooting down perceived enemies of the clueless King.
After the criers where seated, the clueless King in all his glamour andopulence appeared at the entrance of the palace court. His face looked grim and his lips where shining. He had on his crown. He then said; “thou criers of the kingdom of Naijaria, listen to these words for they are my latest declarations to the people of the kingdom. Take them word for word, for they contain life and hope and inspiration and mind not my shining lips for I kissed Queen Gbags on my way to the court.”
“Here are my declarations”, announced the clueless King:
1. Tell the people, that the ruling clan is growing from strength to strength everyday. They are the best ruling clan in the whole world and shall rule the kingdom of Naijaria for the next 60years and more. This message is extremely important because I know the well being of the ruling clan is more important to the subjects than even the air they breathe.
2. Also, tell the subjects, that the ruling clan shall take over leadership of the province of the Ondoites in the 10th month of of the 5th year of the jubilee for even the Governor of the province was of the ruling clan. This message is also extremely important for the subjects for it is a matter of life and death.
3. Contrary to what the subjects have heard in the past, I do not eat more than twice a day. I eat only in the mornings and the nights. My food is also very inexpensive but I am being saddled with the responsibility of providing food for the leaders of other kingdoms when they come visiting. They gobble up all my food and make it look like I am a glutton. The subjects need to know the truth! My wife eats about four times a day. But since she came back from resting in the kingdom of the beer-gulpers, she has since reduced her food intake to three and a half times a day.
4. For the good of the kingdom, I implore the unemployed subjects to be patient. I have constituted a committee of my trusted aides and lords to make sure jobs will be provided between this day and the 5th year of the jubilee. Before the jobs are provided, I appeal to the unemployed subjects and their dependents to be strong. Hunger has never killed anyone before. Three seasons is not that long a time too. Patience is required!
5. No king in the history of the kingdom of Naijaria has ever fought corruption the way I have. I should be renamed the slayer of corruption in the kingdom. The war against corruption isn’t necessarily fought by sending corrupt elements in my Government to jail. It is fought by calling on priests, ‘Sad-u-see’ and Levites to the council of the corrupt elements. Pay no attention to those who call for a death sentence for corrupt elements. They have not truly grasped the true concept of salvation.
6. We have distributed so much fertilizer. Go and grab your share before it runs out.
7. The children of the tribe of the Haramites are evil. They refused to listen to the voice of reason to stop the life of violence. Forget what Rubenus the son of Abat said about us speaking to them. We are not on speaking terms. So the subjects are going to have to live with them like I said earlier in the year.they are our cross and we shall carry them together. I feel your pain! *Sobs*.
8. I promised to create wealth in the land not abolish poverty. You people need to listen harder. No wonder you all rooted for me to become King. I am not a professor ‘Pella’ the magician neither am I a General. You people need to be patient with me.
9. The subjects claim I travel out of the kingdom too much without informing them. So, I am using this medium to inform them that I will be traveling to the kingdom of the Kurds for a meeting. If you didn’t know before, now you know.
10. By the end of the 5th year of the jubilee, the citizens of the kingdom of Naijaria will be glad that I am king. They will carve sculptures of me and worship me all over the Kingdom. They shall know that I am better than the best they will ever have. They will beg me to continue to be King forever.
And the criers agreed to take the message to the people and the clueless one called on Queen Gbags to prepare a feast in honour of his birthday.
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