Abati, omokri, maku and okupe

Abati, Omokri, Maku And Okupe Attend End Of Year ‘Owambe’–By Jude Egbas

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The ‘End of Year’ Gala Nite at Aso Villa is primarily put together to massage egos, take stock, catch up on the latest grapevine news making the rounds and fete characters who have spent the entire year belching hot air without fire.
Billions of Naira worth of cutlery is strewn across the tables. The hall is not so expansive by Presidential standards; which is probably why the Presidency is making a case for a new N2.2bn banquet hall.The President and his better half are perched on a higher table, engaging insmall talk with several Ministers and members of Parliament, who stop by to tell the President exactly what he fancies hearing. Reuben Abati, Reno Omokri, Labaran Maku and Doyin Okupe (the self styled ‘Lion’) are hunched on a distant table from the rest of the pack; sipping choice wines, laughing at ribald jokes and, well, strategizing for the New Year. The opulence on display tonight is mind boggling…….
Abati: So, guys, what has been your defining moment of 2012?
Maku: It has to be the Petrol Subsidy crisis in January. I can’t remember ever running my mouth that much.
Abati: Hahahaha. But you run your mouth all the time, Maku! The Fuel Subsidy Crisis also defined the year for me too. I recall stirring the hornets’ nest with the words: “The resolution of the House on thePetrol subsidy crisis is basically their opinion”. Nigerians tore their hearts out. But really, what was I supposed to say? That it was my opinion?
Omokri: Hahahaha. My defining moment has to be using Social Media to drive our message of Transformation and taking on El-Rufai. He always thought he owned the New Media until I arrived the scene.
Everyone laughs haughtily and raucously
Okupe: My defining moment? Seriously, you guys don’t wanna know. Who remembers that I changed my moniker to ‘Lion’ from “Presidential Attack Dog” at about the same time Snoop Dogg was doing same?
General laughter
Abati: Okay, guys. My ribs are cracking already. What were your biggest challenges? Mine was taking on General Buhari and referring to him in that Press Release as a vampire after he made reference to baboons soaking in blood. The counter-attacks almost drove me nuts, but thanks to ‘Odeshi’….
General Laughter
Maku: Let me tell you all about mine. I was in the United States two weeks ago and I thought I could get away with some fabrication. I told my audience comprising of young people that in some parts of Nigeria, citizens experience 24 hours of uninterrupted power supply and that the Nigerian Media is our country’s biggest problem.
Abati: Mogbe!
Reno: Otapiapia!
Okupe: Okitipupa!
Maku: Give me a break, guys. I am not done. Before I could step down from the podium, the Social Media went gaga. I counted myself fortunate because I was talking to a genteel group of young people. Stones will have been hurled at me if the function held in Lagos.
Abati: Lagos? Don’t go there O! I am thinking of relocating after my time at the Villa comes to an end. I can’t stand the bile and the feeling of self importance from that Lagos mob ( spits in disgust). Their only claims to fame are a blackberry and laptop. I once referred to them as the ‘collective children of anger’. And then, they almost tore me to shreds. Rude children, no ni.
Okupe: Lagos folks? You don’t know them as much as I do. I know how to put them in their places. Why do you think I defended the President for palling around with ex-convicts? I did it to shove it up their asses! If the President fires every corrupt Minister, I asked them, how many more will be left in his cabinet? Simple arithmetic. No one has given me an answer yet. And then, they were going to take me up for saying the Ribadu Oil Subsidy Report was too shallow to be acted upon by the Presidency. Well, I gave it to them!
Omokri: hahahaha! The Lion himself!
Okupe: Yelz ke! Hold on. Let me put this in Olumide’s voice: “Are you a learner?!”
Maku: Tuale Baba! Olori Lion!
Okupe: Nobody messes with me. And I mean, NOBODY!!!
Abati: (Pours himself another glass of Champagne) I was relieved that last week, Diezani was the subject of their ire for asking them to bear with the queues at Petrol filling stations since they asked for a sanitization of the Oil sector. She told them the queues were a price they had to pay!
Omokri: Margaret Thatcher! She has a twitter account too, but she seldom tweets. I ‘gbadun’ that woman.
Maku: I love her!
Abati: (Spills drink on his dinner jacket as he chokes from laughter). Maku, did I just hear you say ‘Love her?’ ( Pulls his own right ear) Make I no hear o! e get soup wey dem nor dey share with person O! e—hen!
Maku: Abeg….abeg…abegi. I know what you mean, Ruby. I only meant it platonically.
Abati: It had better be. So, this has been a fairly good year by the accounts from you all. The biggest challenge will be drumming the ‘transformation agenda’ by a few more decibels in the next twelve months.
Omokri: It will be tough, to be honest. If we don’t get the Power Sector right, I may lose face on Twitter. Every day, when I am not ‘subbing’ El-Rufai, I am explaining to a growing army of cynics that this administration will get the Power Sector right. But then, people are Tweeting at me about the zero megawatt supply in their areas of work or residence. Tweeting has never been tougher.
Abati: Just keep at it, Reno. It is the least you can do until you are fired.
Maku: I feel you, Reno. Thank goodness that my work begins just after every Federal Executive Council (FEC) meeting. Do you hear me ‘cough’ outside the FEC briefings?
Okupe: Sharp guy. Leave the ‘coughing’ for me. Dem nor born dem well make dem try ‘Lion’!
(General laughter)
Abati : So, here’s a toast to a New Year of more half-truths and to the best Presidential Publicity Team ever cobbled together!
Maku: Cheers!
Okupe: Cheers, Baba!
Omokri: Cheers Dokita!
*Similarities of Characters used in this story to people living or dead is purely coincidental*
@egbas is on Twitter