The Ovaarnong (Chief) of the Ofodua Kingdom steps onto the foreground; venue of his just concluded Media chat, to warm applause and backslapping from an army ofcourt jesters, praise-singers and ass-lickers in the Palace. It is 9pm, Ofodua time. Everyone here is in high spirits after an Ovaarnong spotting a screaming shade of ‘lip-gloss’ before the Cameras, appeared to have bettered his previous Media chat here — by his own standards.
Still beaming from ear to ear, the Ovaarnong pulls over one of the jesters, Dr Akpata, his most trusted of Media aides; into his office. Akpata is all but dancing now, reveling in the credit for prepping the Boss up before the Media chat….
Rate my performance today. I can’t wait. On a scale of One to Ten, just freaking rate my performance!
I will give you an Eight, Ovaarnong! Wow! I couldn’t stop smiling while you sat before the cameras. I particularly enjoyed the part where you took in a deep breath, looked at the Cameras and said: “We may have our challenges, but I want to assure the Ofodua people that the future is bright….”
Hahahaha. I knew you would like that.
Hold on a minute. Here was the pick of the bunch: “My administration doesn’t care about poverty reduction but wealth creation”. Economic professors will try so hard to untie that knot of a statement for years to come. You have given the ‘buffaloes’ some homework.
Hahahahaha. I told you and the rest of the team not to worry. I may have started quite nervy, but I think I picked up steam as the media chat wore on. You should know that facing the cameras is not really my strongest suit. I wish I did not have to do this. But the Ofodua people are forever demanding answers about this and that….and since this is a democracy….
It may get worse, Ovaarnong. The Parliament intends to make it mandatory for you to deliver an annual State of the Union Address. According to them, the bill is in keeping with democratic best practices globally.
Hmmm..wahala wa o! Anyway, this was exactly what we signed up for when I campaigned as a poster boy for all shoeless men around the kingdom, for this job.
Hmm. But I had some uncomfortable moments as I watched from behind the cameras tonight.
Okay…I am all ears.
Recall when you said: “Corruption is not our problem in Ofodua”? I almost ran out of the hall.
Okay. Next…..
You mentioned to the people of Ofodua that we were not going to dialogue with the Zobo-Mantra terrorists in the North. Three weeks before, you approved a Press Release which I signed, suggesting we will dialogue with Zobo-Mantra. We even went ahead to list a team of eminent Ofoduans as the ‘Kingdom’s Team’ for the talks. I am at a loss on how to put a spin on this in the next few days.
I don’t envy you. The Journalists did not help matters too. Next time, I want to see the questions beforehand, way before the ‘make-up’ sessions. I wasn’t quite prepared for some of the questions, to be honest, so I resorted to politically correct answers. Rather than bother with the ‘make up’ crew who only had so much ‘lip-gloss’ to show for all their efforts, coerce the Media men to give you the questions they came with, beforehand. The gentleman from your former Media house was most prying with his questions. Some of his probing almost made my heart sink. And he kept referring to himself as a Political Reporter. Who cares, anyway? Mtscheeewww.
Hmm. Again, you told the Kingdom that the Maniroba’s contract had not been cancelled. This flew in the face of a Press Conference I addressed where we…..
Akpata, grab a chair. Calm down. This is your job, and I am sure you will know how to handle the Media when we leave here. You want a drink?
Thank you Ovaarnong. I am on a dry fast. What of Madam’s ill health? The official lines, approved by you, were that she had flown to ‘Obodo-Oyinbo’ to REST. Just to REST. Everywhere I went, I told them Madam was resting after a hectic Palace schedule. Her own media aides maintained that line even while they were asleep. Tonight, you told the whole world Madam was actually ill and was flown to ‘Obodo-Oyinbo’ on medical grounds and is recuperating……
Akpata! Akpata!! Akpata!!! Akpata!!!!
My Lordship, the Ovaarnong!
How many times have I called you?
Four times, Ovaarnong.
Good. You have given me four instances where I let you down tonight. I would rather we look on the bright side. My performances have improved since the night when I screamed from the rooftops the words: “I don’t give a damn!” Be merry, Akpata. Just take a deep breath and be merry. Life is too short to worry about some half-truths. That will be all for now. Goodnight, Dr Akpata…..
Sorry, your Lordship….I wish this was so easy to fend off…..
Okay let me help you with a few tips. As regards Madam’s ill health, a person who is ill is technically RESTING. Deal with the rest. Regarding the ‘Zobo-Mantra’ dialogue, you could say, I did say we were not negotiating with terrorists because we do not want to show our hand….buahaaahahaaa. Or you could say, “Look, guys, no Kingdom all over the world discloses its covert intelligence operations to the world. That was what my Ovaarnong implied when he said…blah…blah..blah.”
Hahahahaha. Good one. I like…I like…..
Why won’t you ‘like’. See ya mouth! So, are you okay now? The night is far spent and your wife may be wondering…..
Ovaarnong, you also told the People of Ofodua that we generate5,000 Megawatts of Electricity into the National Grid. Do you know what happened when you said that?
No, you can fill me in. That’s what I effing pay you for.
My ‘mentions’ on Twitter hit the roof. The ‘Children and grandfathers of anger’ were tweeting at me saying they were watching the Palace Media chat with varying sizes of Generator sets. I was called names as usual. They were hurling insults at my person and casting aspersions on “O’mockery” who was also tweeting live excerpts from your media chat.
Ibinokpabi! Osanobua!! Chineke God of Arts and Science!!! Yeparipa!!!! Yey!!!!!
Yes, it was a bit difficult to deal with. ‘Yeparipa’ is right.
Okay, I didn’t even confer with the Department of Power O! I don’t know how ‘5,000 Mega watts’ found their way onto my lips. But I wanted to sound upbeat….5,000 Mw was a figure tinged with Faith and Optimism. And without Optimism, why are you an Ovaarnong? That is how you will explain away that part to the Media. But what is the power situation on the ground? Where you live for instance, do you often have public power supply?
I think, Kingdom wide, levels of power supply have dropped significantly.
‘Significantly’…..buahahaha. That was the same word I used before the journalists. ‘Significantly’ my foot! Dr Akpata, lemme hand O! One day when you become an Ovaarnong, you will understand how difficult speaking to the people is. You have to ‘sugar-coat’ a few things.
I am still battling with the ‘notorious lie’ which slipped into your Independence Day address regarding our Kingdom’s anti-corruption ratings. At this rate, we may have to prep for Live Media Chats or Press Conferences in the Palace with a Lie Detector, henceforth.
Lie gini?
Detector biko, Ovaarnong.
How does that work?
It is a machine which can give off signals situating the levels of truth or untruth in a statement one just made.
Brilliant! Make provisions for one if that makes you happy. Or do you want me to set up a ‘come-eat-tee’ to get us one? We can source for funds for Mr. Lie Detector from outside the budget, abi?
Hahaahahaaaaaa…Goodnight Ovaarnong.
Goodnight, Dr.
The writer is on Twitter as @egba
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